LONG DAY

I got Cassie in to see the doctor at 9:30 am. Cassie's lungs and everything sounded good so we didn't get anything but prescription cough syrup. I have only had to give it to her twice today which is nice. Now if her nose stops running we will be in great shape.

After seeing the doctor. We ran to Wal-Mart really fast for a last minute Halloween costume for Cassie. I picked up an outfit on sale for $7.00, a pair of bunny ears, and some face paint. She looked really cute. Cassie didn't wear the ears too long cause they were hard to keep on her head and she had wiped most of the face paint of in the first half hour. My mom drove our car while I went door to door with Cassie. Cassie had a lot of fun, she liked all the decorations and found all the pumkins fascinating. We were only out for about an hour and a half and Cassie got enough candy to fill a Wal-Mart bag.

Before going Trick-or-Treating, my mom, dad, Cassie, and I went to Tanya's funeral. It was really nice and they played this cool song by A Change Of Pace called I Hope Heaven Has A Radio. I would like to find the single and buy it, I liked it. A couple of gals also sung a song called Calling Every Angel that was a very pretty song. I don't know who sings it and I would like to know more about it. The service wasn't too long but then everyone had to drive from Leeds back to Churchs Ferry to a small country church were she was layed to rest. We didn't get back from the cemetery until a quarter after 5. During the course of the day, I kept thinking about a part in the movie, The Crow, where the cops make a comment "Who gets married on Halloween"....it never crossed my mind that people can be buried on Halloween. Now every Halloween from now on will be a little bit different.

Because the funeral and graveside service took so long, Cassie and I missed the Halloween party at the Community Center all together. That party was long done before we started out for Tricks-or-Treats. But there will be next year.

My day started out very early, Cassie was up by 7:30 am and I have had a long emotional day and I am ready for bed.

CHURCH, VISITATION, AND FUNERAL DATE

I went with my mom to church today and I am very glad that I did because Tanya's father, Curtis, and her sister, Tiffany, were both there.

After church, Curtis came up to me and hugged me. He apologized for not calling me right away and telling me about the accident since Tanya and I were good high school friends. I told him there was no need to apologize because he had other things on his mind.

Curtis told me that the viewing and prayer service were this evening and that the funeral is tomorrow at 2 pm. He also wanted me to come up to the funeral home and be with the family for the viewing and prayer service.

After church I came home and told Darren that Tanya's dad talked to me and that he would like me to go to the viewing at 4:00. I hated to tell Darren that I wanted to be there because Darren is only home on the weekends, but Darren understood, so I took Cassie over to my mom's so that my mom could take Cassie to choir practice with her and I could go to the funeral home.

I am very glad that I went on Curtis request. Curtis and Tanya's mom, Marcy, talked to me a lot about the accident, what happened, and how people were doing. They also told me what Tanya had been up to and that Tanya and her fiance, Jesse Lee, were talking about wedding dates. It brought me a little peace, not enough to feel 100% comfortable about the whole situation, but enough where I can deal with it now. It also is going to make the funeral a lot easier too since I got to see how peaceful and great that Tanya looked. And not only do I see Tanya as dead and gone now, but I also have started to see the other side. The journey that God has promised all of us when our time has come and I am happy for her that she has reached that, even tough all of us think that it was too soon for her.

I called April and talked to her for a while and told her some of the things that Tanya's parents told me. I know that April is taking this hard as well so I hope that I gave her a few words of comfort to help the pain. I told her if she wanted to go to the funeral that she could come with us. April called me back later tonight and said that she doesn't want to go cause funerals are hard for her, and I don't blame her one bit, but if she decided to come she would call.

Cassie is still sick, her cough from a week ago still hasn't gone away so I am going to have to call the clinic tomorrow and see if I can get Cassie an appointment before or after the funeral. I haven't found a babysitter so I may have to take Cassie with me. If I have to, it's no bother cause my mom will be going with us and my mom said that she will stay in the car with Cassie when we go to the cemetery for the interment.

MINOT SHOPPING AND DECORATING PUMKINS

We got to Minot today at a decent time and the first thing we did is hit an electronic place so that Darren could get more RAM for his laptop. The first place we went to, they wanted $120 bucks. Darren decided to check another place, and I am glad that he did, and they put in more RAM for $40.

Then we headed over to the mall to check out Target, Sears, and JC Pennys for winter cloths for Cassidy. We couldn't find anything under $60 that was decent and there was no way I was going to pay that kind of a price for an outfit that Cassidy is only going to wear this winter.

We ran over to Wal-Mart and I found some jackets similar to the ones in the Wal-Mart in Devils Lake that I liked but the colors were different. We had Cassie try on 3 different jackets, the smallest being a 3T and it seemed big. There was a 24 month jacket in DL and I may go into town with Cassie sometime and have her try it on to see if it fits. I may have to have my mom come with me though cause she has a better eye of what's going to fit Cassidy it about 4 months than I do but I suppose that comes with the experience of having 3 kids and dressing them all during the winter. We didn't get anything but some supply's for Darren that he needed for work, too much candy, some paint so that Cassie could paint her pumkin this year, and Darren also bought Cassie her first My Little Pony.

We got back home around 7 pm and as soon as we had stuff put away I let Cassie get to painting. Cassie could hardly wait for the ride home to paint. It was so fun watching her paint cause she just loved it. When she ran out of room on the pumkin she started to paint the paper towels that were underneath the pumkin. When Cassie was done painting, Darren started on carving his pumkin as Cassie watched. I didn't get to do any of the carving cause my mom called and Tango was out, my dad wasn't home, so she wanted me to come over and put him back in the pasture. I'm not even going to go into what happened after 8 pm.

I have been thinking more about Tanya today too. I checked out some of my old annuals from high school and was looking at all of the pics of Tanya and I was reading the stuff she wrote in the back of them. It is so weird yet.

Since Cassidy is too young yet to carve her own pumkin, I bought some paint and let her paint her pumkin this year and she really liked it. It made a hell of a mess but she had a lot of fun doing it. 

"I need a little more red right here 

TA DA! I'm finished!! 

Cassidy watching dad scoop out the guts of his pumkin. 

Dad's finished carved pumkin. 

This is Cassidy's new way of sitting. She likes to lean back against the couch and put her feet up on my glass coffee table and let her butt hang in the air. 

"Yeah, what do you want dad? Can't you see I am trying to watch TV and enjoy my Reese's cup?" 

Darren took this pic when Cassidy was laying on his lap. It's really bright, but it's so cute. 

TANYA BRODEN (1981 - 2005)

I wasn't too surprised when my dad called me tonight at 11 pm. He said that he had some bad news and I just figured it had something to do with his computer again. I was in bed and just said, "oh yeah" then my father said "no, I have some really bad news". After he said that I thought Tango got out of the fence for his last time was and was struck by a car on hwy 2 and now we were going to be liable for the accident but nothing really prepared me for what he had to say.

Dad said that he heard on the news that a 24 yr old woman from Leeds, ND died in an accident but he didn't know who it was so he called my brother, Mike. Mike didn't know who it was either so he called one of his good friends who told Mike that it was Tanya Broden, a high school friend of mine.

I remember all the great times that I had with Tanya. We hung out a lot for a while. If I wasn't at her home, she was at ours, and if we couldn't see each other then we were on the phone talking. I remember specifically one summer on the 4th of July I was painting my room and she came over to keep me company while I was painting. When I finished painting my dad took Tanya and I into Devils Lake to see the fireworks show at Roller Field and then for ice cream, however, on our way into town we could see these flames and here their firework display caught on fire and messed up the whole show. We never got to see fireworks but we did get ice cream. We cruised town (Devils Lake, Cando, and Leeds) together on weekend evenings, I took her horse back riding a time or two. I even stayed with her and her parents one night at a hotel during a State Class B boys basketball tournament. I never remember one single time that Tanya ate the schools hot lunch. She always brought a bagged lunch from home. Inside her bagged lunch was always a ziplock back of animal crackers that she used to give me and I would sit with her in the hallway with all the other people with sacked lunches talking together, eating her animal crackers, and drinking sodas before the next period started.

After I graduated I kept in touch with Tanya through email and her cousin, Heidi Esch. When Tanya graduated she went to Moorhead State college and we only sent a few, brief emails and then the emails stopped coming all together. Some of you may remember her cause she, if I remember right, had a little fling with Jory for a bit or it was a huge crush and she wanted to date Jory. It was one of the two.

Tanya was living in Colorado with her current boyfriend, she was coming home for the week to spend with her family. She was on hwy 19 and was going to go from 19 to hwy 281 but she missed the turn where the two roads come together and she went off the road and into Devils Lake around 10:30 pm Thursday. She wasn't found until 8:00 am Friday morning.

Tanya had two younger siblings, Justin and Tiffany who are still in school.

I can only imagine her parents loss. It's still mind-numbing to think about it. It seems so surreal that she is gone now even though we haven't spoken in a long time. I still have her email address in my address book, but the emails going to t_party1999 will no longer be answered.

I don't know when or where the funeral is going to be at yet. I am guessing it's going to be in Leeds since that is where she is from. I hope to attend the prayer service and funeral both, when ever they will be held. I was thinking of going over to her parents home but it might be awkward since I haven't spoken to them either for a while. I will have to see about that. Right now I am still trying to tell myself that it's real, but I don't believe it.

FERRIER, SHOPPING, AND MORE COOKIES

The Ferrier came to my parents place this morning at 11 am to trim the horses hooves before snowfall. I dropped Cassie off at Donna Rolle's (her usual babysitter when I worked out at the pasta plant) and went over to their house so I was there when the ferrier got there. The ferrier was late, he called at 11:30 to say that he would be over there in 10 minutes. It went really fast, the only horse that really gave him trouble was my mom's leopard appaloosa. I was suprised that Tango let the ferrier work on his hooves since we haven't played with Tango's feet and legs.

When the ferrier was done, I ran fast into Devils Lake and got the oil changed in the car at Market Place Motors. We haven't changed it since we got it so it was about due anyway. Then I ran fast to Wal-Mart for a few small things, went to Leevers to pick up some juice boxes and snack items for Cassie, went to Hardee's to pick up some food, and my last stop was at the Dukes to get the car washed.

I picked up Cassie in Leeds around 4 pm and then came back over to my mom's where I started some cookie dough and I have that in the fridge now waiting for my mom to come home, then I suppose we will all eat and then after supper we will bake the cookies.

Tomorrow Darren, Cassie, and I are going to Minot. I can find any snow wear that I like in Devils Lake for Cassie so we are heading to a bigger town to find something. I also have to get her a holloween costume and they have this cool costume place in the mall in Minot. I am not sure what we are going to do after that. We may just come home and hang out. It will be nice to get away with just Darren and Cassie for the day and do something as a family.

Darren isn't going to be home for Holloween cause he has to work it and the only way he is going to get Thanksgiving off is if he works the Saturday before Thanksgiving. He's dissappointed that he is only going to have one day off during Thanksgiving (he could have two but then he has to work the entire weekend before hand). Darren also isn't going to be home next weekend until late Saturday because he has his truck load sale each first weekend of the month. It's been a little hard not having him around a lot and I think he's starting to feel the same. I can't imagine exactly how he feels being away from Cassie and and I for so long then only being able to spend two days with us before he has to take off again. I am hopeing that things will work out better eventually so that our family spends more time together....especially when the new Hanson arrives.

Well, I am off to relax and watch a little TV until the cookie dough in the fridge needs to be baked. Later people.

BAD HORSE, SOX, ANNE RICE, AND COOKIES

Tango just purchased a one-way ticket to a horse sale, or a new home anyway. He's been getting out of the fence A LOT lately and it seems like everything we try won't keep him in. This morning I got a call at 9:30 am saying that he was out near a road by my parents place so I got Cassie's things together and I went over there and put him back in the fence. He must have been out all night because I shoveled 10 piles of horse crap back into the pasture from their back yard. He was good all day until about 6 pm and he was out again, I put him back in the pasture, then when I was leaving my parents place at 9:30 tonight the shit head was out again standing at the end of their driveway. We can't have an animal like that around cause nobody has the time to chase after a horse all day. I am going to check with a few people to see if they want to buy him first and if nobody I know wants him then he's hitting the Livestock Sales Ring in Devils Lake next month.

Today in the mail we got our letter from All Season's Water saying that all the lines were tested for bacteria, pressure, and all sorts of other stuff and has been approved for human consumption and we can hook up to it now. YEAH! I have been waiting for this moment for a long time. Now I just have to find someone to dig the trench from the house to the rural water line, Darren and my dad are going to lay the pipes, and then when everything is hooked up in the house we will be ready to go. I hope by next week I can use the water! I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have good water by the time baby was here.

I am watching the baseball game right now and the Sox are up by one. In fact the one run is the only run scored in the whole game. Looks like the sox are going to win the series tonight. Poor Astro's, it must suck to get to the Series and not win a single game.

And bad news for Amadon. I was reading the current issue of Newsweek and there was an article in there about Anne Rice and what's she been up to since her last published book in '03. I guess she had a revelation since her husband died and she had a close death experience herself so now she is only writing for the Lord. No more vampires, werewolf's, or ghouls. I guess she has a book coming out soon, I forgot the name of it, and it's about Christ growing up at the age of 7 told through God...or something close to that.

Tomorrow I am going back to my mom's to help her with more cookies. She needs about 600 of each cookie to make all her cookie trays and she makes at least 8 different cookies so we are looking close to some where around 400 dozen cookies. I am going to be soooooo sick of cookies by next week.

After I got the cookies I was making done, I took Cassie to the park for about an hour and a half. She loved it. The slide was finally dry today, the first time since the weekend, and she had a blast going up and sliding down the slide. What impressed me the most is that I only had to catch her a couple of times and then got the hang of how she was going to land and then she was able to do the slide all by herself. Which was cool but bad at the same time, she wanted me to sit on the bench and watch her (the rest was wonderful) but when I tried to get up she would holler at me for getting off the bench. I am sorry, but a fat pregnant person can only sit so long on a wooden bench until your ass starts to get really sore.

HORSE HOUSE CALL

I took Cassie to the park around 1:30 cause she wanted to go swinging and since we had a late breakfast she wasn't due for lunch until 2 pm. I let Cassie play and swing for about 45 minutes to an hour and then we came to my mom's house so that I could feed Cassie and start some cookies for my mom for the craft and bake sale that the Devils Lake hospital holds each year in November.

When we got to my mom's. The horses were sleeping around the water tank. I didn't think anything of it cause they sleep there all the time, the only thing that was different was that Luna (my 14 yr old mare) was laying down. As time passed I noticed that the other two horses started moving around but my mare just layed there. She would try and roll a little bit and then stretch her neck out which was very odd.

When my mom came home, about an hour after I got there, she said all the horses were standing up but when I looked out the window, Luna was laying down again and she was still rolling and stretching her neck. A few times she got up, but then layed right back down again.

My worst fear was that Luna got colic from something and since she layed down there was no way I was going to get her back up again. I called the Cando vet but she was out of the office for the day. I then called Devils Lake's vet but the vet was over at the Livestock yard all day and they gave me the Rugby vet's phone number to try them. I called Rugby and a vet could be out in about half an hour.

I went back outside and after a lot of encouragement I was able to get Luna standing back up. I walked her around for about twenty minutes and she started acting better. I took the halter off of her and she went to the water tank and took a drink and then she slowly started to eat some grass and grazed a bit with the other horses.

Since she was back up, I tried calling the vet so they wouldn't have to make a trip out for nothing but the vet had already left. The bill wasn't too bad for a house call and the vet did an exam anyway just to make sure that my horse was okay and that nothing else was wrong.

I was really worried for a while, here I thought something was seriously wrong and was going to cost me big bucks to get her better, or she was going to die or have to be put down, but it turned out pretty good.

AAAHH...WHAT THE HECK

This morning after I got Cassie fed and changed, I went back into the kitchen to make my breakfast which is normally two pieces of toast and coffee. I had the toast in the toaster and the water in the coffee maker so all I needed now was a coffee filter and I was in business. I opened the cabinet above the stove, grabbed the stack of filters and pulled it out of the cabinet. As I brought my arm down (and I must say that I really pulled the filters out fast) I saw something brown fling through the air and it landed in front of my stove with a light thumping sound. IT WAS A FRICKEN MOUSE! A mouse some how got into my house and worked is way up to the cabinets along the top part of the wall and was making it's home in my coffee filters! I just about pissed my pants! I had clean dishes from last night still in my dish rack on the counter so I grabbed a piece of tupperware and slammed it down over the mouse quickly and slid the cover under the tupperware and closed it. Cassie, of course, was drawn into the kitchen by the noise that I was making cause it was out of character from our usual mornings. she demanded to see the mouse so I made sure the lid was on good and let her carry the mouse around...under supervision of course. She wanted me to take the mouse out but I told her that it had to stay in the container because the mouse could bit and I didn't know what kind of creepy diseases it could be carrying. I kept the mouse long enough to snap a few pictures and then tossed it out my front door. I found a new bundle of filters, opened them up and threw all the other ones away. I still got my morning coffee but I am creeped out by it, I don't think I will ever see coffee the same way again and Cassie has been going around the house saying, "Mommy, mouse will bite you." Where the hell is Scrappy when I need her?

Cassie checking out our visitor before I threw it out of the house. 

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BUSY DAY

I felt bad cause I called Brandi at 7:30 am on Saturday morning to let her know that I would be over in 15 minutes with Cassie so that my parents and I could get on the road to pick up the hay for the horses.

It was really cold, like 27 degrees, frost everywhere and I really didn't feel like being up that early on a cold morning. I really didn't want to wake Cassie up either and haul her to the car and then to Brandi's either being so cool outside but it had to be done.

Brandi was waiting for us. I stayed long enough to let her know that hopefully it would only take about 5 hours at the most and I would be back for her. I also showed Brandi where everything was in the diaper bag and also gave Brandi Cassie's last dose of medicine that Cassie was to have after breakfast and then I was gone.

I got to my parents place and we quickly unloaded the box of one of my fathers trucks that had some stuff on it from an auction sale that he went to and then we had to clear some wood off a trailer and then we were ready to go. We had two trailers and two trucks so we only had to make two trips to get the hay.

The first trip went really well. When we got back to my place it took us a little while to figure out where we were going to put the bales. My dad decided to put them along the pasture fence behind the house, that way the bales wouldn't trap the blowing snow right in our yard. We also had to move some branches that were laying where we wanted to put the bales but it didn't take long to do. Then we were off to get the last load. When we picked up the last load, my dad talked to the guy for a little while when the guy was done loading the bales on the trailers so that slowed us a bit but it was a nice rest.

When we got back on the road for home my dad noticed a bad vibration in his truck. He pulled over and checked all the tired and they were all good so he thought he was getting ready to loose a tire or had a bad U-Joint and said that he would make it home. We continued on and stopped at the Leeds restaurant to get lunch, then as we were coming over the railroad tracks to get to my place, the brakes went out in the truck that my mom and I were in. My dad knew they were getting bad but we had to risk it cause we needed the hay. We got the last 9 bales unloaded and then headed back to my parents place. Just as we were turning the corner to pull into my parents yard, the hubcap on my dad's big red Ford dually went flying into the ditch. My dad got out and checked the tire and here all the studs were broke off but 2. There were only 2 studs holding his tire on the truck!! I can't believe he didn't loose the wheel with a load of hay on the back. He's been cruising all over the country with that truck flying down the highway at 70 miles an hour. I am glad that he didn't get hurt.

My dad checked his truck and nothing was damaged on the trucks except of the obvious and on his big red truck the wheel and all the other stuff behind it wasn't damaged so he just needs new studs.

What was supposed to take 5 hours turned into 9. I got to Brandi's and tried to pay her for watching Cassie all day but she wouldn't except my money and said that I could just buy her lunch sometime and that she may need the favor returned some day. I swear that Brandi probably won't babysit Cassie again because she was there so long. I stayed and chatted with Brandi for just a bit and then she had to run to her folks place. So Cassie and I went to my parents just for about an hour and then we came home.

When I got home I took out the trash and then washed the dishes cause Darren was on his way from from Harvey. As I was washing the dishes, Cassie was playing with her stuffies in her bedroom and it had gotten quiet but I didn't think of it cause I was on a mission to get stuff straightend up. Then I heard this noise that sounded like sand being thrown against the house. I ran and check on Cassie and there she was, in the cat box, throwing the litter on the hallway carpet and on the bathroom floor. Of course I didn't hear it until she started throwing in on the linoleum in the bathroom so you can imagine the mess on the carpet.

I swept up the bathroom and then vacuumed the carpet and just as I got done with that Darren came home. Thankfully I was done with everything else that I had to do.

I am hoping that Sunday and the rest of the coming week are a lot more peaceful than this week has been.

OH WHAT A NIGHT

Cassie took a late nap today and she got up around 5 pm and then Brandi, Carson, Billy, AJ, Cassie and I went to the restaurant in Leeds to eat because none of us felt like cooking anything. After supper Cassie and I went over to Brandi and AJ's house since Cassie will be going to their place tomorrow morning while we move hay. The kids watched The Incredibles and played with Playdough. Cassie also liked playing with Brandi's two dogs Molly (a black lab) and Schatze (a dachshund). Cassie has gotten into this big sniffing people phase and she scared Schatze when Cassie tried to sniff him then if that couldn't be any worse, while Cassie was in the kitchen with Brandi and Carson, Cassie picked poor Schatze up and threw him over the child safety gate and he fell down the basement stairs. I felt really bad cause I was in another room when it happened and I couldn't see Cassie from where I was. Brandi checked on Schatze and he was fine then Brandi laughed about it cause we couldn't believe that Cassie was able to pick him up and throw him over the gate. I'm glad that Brandi wasn't upset and saw the humor in the incident.

I am not too sure where we are putting the horses. I talked it over with Darren and he okayed it to fence behind our house and next to the garage cause it's totally protected from wind because of the buildings and the tree lines there so the horses can be put back there for the winter to keep them out of the wind. I still have to find a convenient place for the hay cause every where in our yard pretty much fills up with snow when it storms. I was thinking of putting in in the back of the driveway or next to an old building that we are keeping for a friend directly behind the house cause then it would be easy to move, all we would have to do is drop the bales over the fence but then Darren is worried that the snow would collect and then block in the car. I really don't expect to go anywhere after the baby is born except for the 1 week post-delivery check up and then monthly check ups after that. I am planning to have my mom pick up my shopping we I need anything since she goes to town every day.

I know that since Darren wants to move to Harvey that the right thing is to do is to sell the horses, but at the same time it's the hardest thing for me to do. The horses were my hobby, I really didn't have much else growing up and going through high school. I wasn't active in any sports, I wasn't popular, I wasn't invited on the weekends to do anything with anybody, and I never went to the prom. Mike and my dad had the stock cars and guitars, my sister was in everything you could imagine but then she was a popular person, my mom just liked the peace and quiet and a little time to bake. The horses were my get away, my piece of paradise. Without them, I don't know what I would have done because they kept me busy and I loved to ride. They didn't care if I was popular or not, what I looked like, if I played sports, or if I had great grades. They just expected a little care and a few treats now and then and the would do anything for a bucket of oats. I still like to ride, but it's not easy to do anymore. I have had my horse for over twelve years and breaks my heart to think that I have to sell her now. Since Cassidy was born two years ago I haven't' had the time for the horses and it isn't going to get any easier with a second child. I think I have ridden her twice since 2003. I don't like to think of selling them either because I fell like I am cheating myself out of something good. With everything going on and all the sacrifices that I need to make being a mom, I don't want to get ride of the last piece of "freedom" that I have. Why should I get rid of all my fun things so that everyone else can have what they want and all of their toys...what am I left with? I know that sounds really selfish, it's down right cold hearted of me to say that, because I will have two children to take up my time but I just think that everyone should have something so if I don't have the horses, what do I get?

I am hoping I will feel better about it when it happens and my coldness will go away and I won't be spiteful about everything. Like Nike says "Just do it" but it's easier said than done.

AN INTERESTING BLOG

When I was checking out one of Brandi's blogs, I noticed that someone named Mr. Toast replied on her blog and so for the hell of it I checked out his blog, www.windinthewire.blogspot.com and it's actually pretty neat. It's one of those sites that I can see Karissa getting into because of the political things and other dumb stuff people in the news say. I think ya need to check it out. It's a very different blog.

SICK BABY, BEAT UP CAT, AN NO TOILET PAPER

Cassie has had a little cough and a runny nose for the past couple of days. Late last night she was up around 2 am and I listened to her cough for about an hour before she became fussy. I had some left over prescription cough syrup from a cold she had in March so I got out of bed, filled a syringe with 1/2 a tsp of the syrup and gave it to Cassie along with some juice. After the syrup, she never coughed again during the night and she passed out about 20 minutes after I gave it to her. She didn't get up until 10:30 this morning but she was a little barky, wheezy, and she sounded weird cause her nose was plugged. I called my mom and my mom said that I should take her in and not worry about giving her the syrup cause it wasn't obviously just a cough anymore. I got in to see a doctor at 11:40 and there is cold going around and some how Cassie got it. She is on a good antibiotic for three days and it's only one dose a day. I can't believe the stuff cost me $40.09 for three tsps, that's damn near $13.00 per tsp.

After the appointment I ran to the bank and put a check in Darren's savings account for him then picked up something to eat and went to visit my mom at the hospital. Mom was getting ready for lunch so the three of us had lunch together in the hospital cafeteria. While we were there, my mom gave me money for two booster seats for Cassie that we can us at our houses since Cassie doesn't like her high chairs anymore but won't quiet sit still in a chair by herself.

On my way home I dropped a booster seat at my parents, and two bags of candy corn for my mom as a surprise, and my dad told me that his cat was attacked by a tom cat early this morning. He had taken her to the vet and I guess she was beat up pretty badly though I haven't seen her yet. I guess the tom must have had her by the neck and shook her pretty good. Her neck is torn open, one of her eyes is blood shot, and her walk isn't so strait. The vet put some antibiotic stuff in the wounds of her neck, checked the eye out, and was given the OK to come home. I don't think I am going to go over there with Cassie for a while, except for tomorrow because I have to pick up my hay from some people in Devils Lake and my horses from my parents and get them all home, because Cassie will want to play with the cat and Cassie won't understand that the cat is hurt right now. It's just amazing that dad's cat was even able to get away from the tom cat...I wonder how she did.

After I came home, Cassie was playing with Scrappy in her bedroom while I was checking blogs and after a little bit I noticed that things got really quiet. Every parent knows the quiet I am talking about. You know somethings up you just have to find out what and where. Then as soon as I noticed the lack of noise, Cassie came out of the bathroom and said that she blew her nose. Out of curiosity I checked the bathroom and there was the entire roll of toilet paper on the floor of my bathroom. Well, not the whole roll cause only 1/2 of it was left, but it was all off the cardboard roll. There wasn't much to do but throw it away so I just decided to let Cassie play in it since she couldn't do any more damage then what was already done.

I hope tomorrow doesn't go bad and that I can get all the hay home without a problem and that Cassie is felling better so when my mom watches her she isn't too crabby.

Here lies have a roll of toilet paper that is now strewn all over my bathroom. Just wonderful. 

What's wrong mommy? All I had to do was blow my nose and you have always told me to us tissue or klenex. 

I think this pic is neat because the TP looks like some kind of smoke, fog, or mist from a SCI-FI movie. 

A LOT OF THINKING

I have started to think about the new baby and how everything is going to change dramatically and I am getting really scared. I am totally freaked out actually.

I don't feel like I am a good mother or as good of a mother that I could be for Cassidy. I try not to spank her everytime she gets into something because I want her to be able to experience things. I want her to learn through her curiosity, but I feel like I am failing there because some people think I am just letting her take control, she's becoming a spoiled brat because of it, and I should spank her every time she gets into something.

Cassie loves animals. I do have to admit though that she's too affectionate with the cat. Sometimes when she tries to hug the cat she will smother it instead and when she tries to pick the cat up and carry her around sometimes she lifts the cat by the neck but the cat is tolerant and when I tell Cassie to put Scrappy down, she does. My parents have an old cat that it grumpy and will hide under things from Cassie and Cassie will try to pet, kiss, hug, ect...the cat and it drives my dad crazy and he yells at Cassie to stop messing with the cat and doesn't want Cassie to touch his cat PERIOD.

When I take her places and she wants to do something else when I am trying to do something I let her throw her tantrums no matter how long they last and I keep doing my thing instead of spanking her right then-and-there. I am hoping that by doing this Cassie will learn that even if she throws a temper, it's not going to get her anywhere but I must be wrong because people think I should do it differently.

Then there is the whole sharing toys bit. It's really hard to get Cassie to play well. When I tell her to give a toy back or to stop what she is doing and be nice, she usually listens but there are sometimes that I have to grab her and give a toy back to someone. But this is all part of the growing up thing right?!?!

There are many many other things too like what I feed her, when I feed her, where I feed her that are judged too that had killed my confidence in thinking that I could care for a child but I obviously can't and it's going to get worse because she's just going to get older and then there will be more activities and then school too.

How can I take care of another baby when I can't take care of my toddler? It will only be worse because now instead of doing all these things with Cassie I have to still do all these things and then take care of the needs of a baby that needs 24/7 care and feedings every 2 hours. Everything I try to do to make myself feel like a good parent is wrong in someone else's eyes. It's hard to feel confident in anything when you are constantly being compared to how someone else does things.

I hate how people just assume that because I am a stay ate home mom things are easy for me. They aren't. It's difficult, one of the hardest things I have done was becoming a parent and with two it's going to get a lot worse. It's hard enough trying to keep a clean house, keep the laundry done even when I can't do it at my own house, make sure the dishes are all washed, bathrooms cleaned, toys put away, doctor appointments for me and Cassie and the baby, cook 3 meals a day, make sure that Cassie gets her nap in on schedule, groceries are bought, shopping at Wal-Mart is done, kids are bathed, I'm bathed....the list goes forever and I do it ALL BY MYSELF. I don't have any help. My husband comes home on the weekend to relax and mow the yard.

I really don't think I can do this anymore...becoming a parent for the second time...I thought I could, but I can't. I don't have a lot of physical attachment yet to the soon-to-be baby, I don't even have a name yet, and it scares me that I won't be attached to this one like I was Cassie. With Cassie, I had an attachment right after I heard the heartbeat for the first time. And because of the lack of attachment I have even gone as far as thinking about talking to Darren about adopting the child out to one of the grandparents or someone that we know.

Moving also worries me a bit. With my mom close by, it's easier when something happens cause she is always there for me. She listens, gives me advice, and helps me out when I need it. If I move, I won't have that luxury anymore and right now I feel that I need that more than ever with a new baby on the way and a terrible toddler.

I am probably just freaking out and I will feel this way until after the baby is born then I will feel differently about everything and I will be more confident again about the whole mother thing. Maybe....

A BAD BEAUTIFUL DAY

I really didn't do a whole hell of a lot today. EHS came over around 1 pm and I had my house clean by then. I actually really like the fact that none of the rooms in our house are used except for the living room and kitchen and since those are the only ones that get messy it's easy and fast to clean up.

After EHS, and since it was so beautiful out today, Cassie and I went into Leeds and picked up Billy and AJ and we went to the city park and let the kids play for a while. We had a good time, as far as little kid playground equipment goes, and then we went to the Leeds restaurant and had cheese bites, cookies, ice cream, a caramel roll, and soda (the kids had milk).

From the restaurant, we went back to Billys and hung out for a while. I don't know what was wrong with Cassie today but she was behaving really bad. She got more spankings today than I can count and she didn't want AJ to play with ANY of his toys while we were there. I guess those Terrible Twos are upon us now.

At 7 pm Cassie and I ventured over to my mom's place. We had a little bite to eat there and then watched a little TV. It was getting close to 8 pm and Cassie was getting tired, I still had to get her home and in the bath tub before bed so we took off for home. Cassie didn't stay awake the whole ride home so I just layed her in her crib, changed her diaper, put her pj's on and I will give her a bath tomorrow morning after breakfast.

I don't know what I am going to do tomorrow. If I leave the house it will be because I am going to my mom's or doing something with Billy. I would like to get a hold of Brandi and hang out with her and Carson for a bit...Carson has a really kick ass play center that Cassie loves...we will have to see.

ROAD TRIP

Darren called me this morning close to 10 am. He forgot his schwan truck keys here at the house along with the current tabs for his pick-up. Fortunately there was an extra set of keys at the depot that he could use today but he wanted me to bring his keys and tabs down to Harvey. Cassie was sleeping in, normally we are up by 9 am, and I told Darren that as soon as Cassie woke up and had breakfast I would get us both dressed and come down. After I got off the phone with Darren I called Billy quickly to see what she had planned today because I didn't want to take the car ride to Harvey alone cause it's a long way for one person with a child and if Billy and AJ came with us, Cassie and I both would have company. Billy called her husband to let him know that she was going with us, THANK GOD and we go on the road around noon. It was a little after 1 pm when we got down there. Immediately we dropped off Darren's stuff and then we drove around town for a little while. Billy had never been in Harvey before and I never drove around Harvey myself cause Darren always drove so we thought it would be a good experience for both of us. I showed Billy the neat little beach, boat dock, recreation area that they have right on the river along with all the really nice fancy houses along the shore. Then we pretty much drove up and down every street looking at homes. The kiddies were getting hungry so we stopped and ate at Hornbacher's Cafe. We were going to eat at the Pizza Ranch but we just missed their buffet. Then afterwards we went out to the Little Mart and bought Powerball tickets since nobody won the drawing the other night and after that we went to the park to let the kids release some energy before heading back home. I am really glad that Billy was able to come with me today, if she wouldn't have, I don't know what I would have done because it's a 2 hour round trip to drive from York to Harvey. We found some really nice homes for sale that I wouldn't mind buying but are out of our price range. I think Billy saw a home or two too that she was interested in. The kids passed out on the way home so Billy and I had a really good car ride home, it went really fast. I dropped Billy off at her house and chatted with her for a half hour or so and then Cassie and I headed to my parents place because I had my cloths in the trunk of the car and needed to at least wash Cassie's stuff. My dad took my mom, Cassie, and I out to eat at the cafe in Leeds for supper which was really nice of him.

Tonight in Leeds they burnt down an old house along HWY 2. It's about time the city did something about the house, it was an eye sore really. It was this huge run down green thing that nobody has lived in for years. I guess a farmer, from the Engstrome family, bought the land and they are going to turn it into a little craft barn type place for his wife who also does Ebay selling for people. The house burnt in huge flames that we could see all the way from my parents house and it didn't take too long to burn down.

Now I am extremely tired and I have to work on getting some of my house clean so I don't have to do it all tomorrow.

Cassie enjoying her her time. 

A happy AJ 

"I'm swingin' but I gotta have my nook". 

AJ loved the merri-go-round but Cassie wasn't a very big fan of it. Whe wanted off after about 15 seconds of riding on it and this was the only shot I got. 

Billy chasing after a very tired AJ in the park. 

I think this is too cute. It looks like she is peaking but Cassie was actually swinging back and forth and the camera just happend to capture her when she was closest to me. 

I took this pic right as Billy moved. It looks like she's about ready to attack AJ. 

This is the pic of Adele that I took at the hospital when Cassie and I visited Josie. 

RUGBY TRIP

Darren, Cassie, and I went to Rugby today to visit with Darren's family. They all got together because Darren's aunt from Colorado was home. When we got there, everyone was out eating so Darren stopped and got his hair cut and then we checked out a few places so that Darren could get new boots. Darren was looking for boots, Cassie fell asleep so Darren drove over to the hotel where everyone had rooms and chatted with the family. He decided that since Cassie was asleep we would run up to Willow City with his mom and sister to see his grandma that just got out of the Minot hospital. Cassie woke up just as we got into the grandparents yard. We didn't stay very long at all and the we ran back to Rugby and hung out at the hotel for a bit and then we all went over to the Pizza Hut to eat and after pizza we came home since it was really close to Cassie's bedtime.

I still have to get cloths washed but I don't have to do Darren's cloths so I can pretty much get my cloths washed whenever this week. I just don't want to do it while my dads there.

SHOPPING AND GANGREEN

Cassie and I went into Devils Lake today to get our shopping done. After I ran to Wal-Mart I picked up some food at Mickey D's and we went up to the hospital and ate our lunch while we visited my mom at work. (for those of you that don't know, my mom is an RN in Same Day Surgery) After visiting with my mom we walked down the hall and saw Josie and Adele. We only stayed a little while cause Cassie was getting tired and Adele was getting hungry.

Then we went to K-Mart so I could find some maternity cloths. I didn't find much but I bought a new pair of dressy jeans. I also found some really cute snow boots that I almost bought for Cassie but I wasn't sure what color her snow suit (when I find one) is going to be so I didn't want to buy pink boots and end up with a purple snow suit but I may go back and buy them cause they are so damn cute.

Then we ran to the Chamber of Commerce to get the tabs for Darren's truck and their damn computers weren't working so I couldn't get the tabs. It really made me mad since that was the whole entire reason that we went to town...that and I needed some more pull-ups for Cassie.

Lastnight when I talked to Darren on the phone he said that his mother called him. Darren's grandmother, Irma Hanson, was taken to the Bottineau hospital and she had a really bad galbladder(SP) so they sent her by ambulance to the Minot hospital where Irma had surgery to have it taken out. When she had galbladder trouble, she never went into the clinic for it and just "waited it out" at home until she felt better. I guess her galbladder was so bad when they took it out that it was full of gangreen (SP). Irma is still in the hospital and I am hoping that the gangreen didn't spread anywhere that could give her more trouble in the future. They are also going to monitor her and make sure she doesn't develope phnemonia. It's kind of scary for me because my dad's dad, Ike Savaloja, died from complications after his galbladder was taken out. I wish Irma the best.

BORING DAY

Cassie slept in until 9 today. I took a shower after we ate breakfast and then called Billy to see what her and AJ were doing later cause I wanted to meet them at the Leeds restaurant for lunch. After lunch I went right over to my mom and dads house to wait for the DirecTV guy and when I got there dad said that the guy was already at their place, I guess the tech came out at 10 am. Dad said that he tried to call me to tell me that I didn't have to come over but he said that my phone just kept ringing and he never got an answer. I think that's odd because I did get a few phone calls today before I left the house...oh well, I already made plans with EHS to meet them at my parents today so I had to be at their house anyway.

I still need to get to town and pick up the tabs for Darren's truck. I think that my mom is home tomorrow so I could do it then early in the morning and have my mom watch Cassie for me. The DMV is closed either Tuesday or Thursday in DL, I can't remember which but I also think that my mom said that she has to start baking for the hospital craft and bake sale too so I don't want to bother her either if she's going to be busy. If I go into town, I would still like to see Josie and Amadon too. So we will have to see.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADELE (NO MIDDLE NAME YET) FAUL

CONGRATULATIONS AMADON AND JOSIE!!

Josie finally delivered Adele by C-section this morning around 8:30/8:45. Hopefully all is going well and Josie doesn't experience all the bad things that I did with my section. I may go to town and see them later on today. I will take pics and post them if I go.

Darren called me from Harvey last night and just realized the tabs on his truck expired in September and he wants me to get him current tabs and the drive to Harvey and take them to him. I can get his tabs, but I still have to think about taking them down to him with Cassie. That could be a very long car ride by myself especially if Cassie gets tired of the drive. Maybe I could meet him for lunch or something so Cassie and get out of the car and run around for a bit before we get back on the road. 2 hours straight in the car can be rough on Cassie. I told Darren I could put them in the mail to him over night so he could get them tomorrow but Darren doesn't know the address of where he's staying.

DOCTORS APPOINTMENT

My doctor appointment went pretty good. I found out that I have a follicle infection and I have medicine that I need to be on for 15 days. The ultrasound and blood tests all came back normal, however there wasn't a good pic of the babies kidneys. The doc isn't too worried about it and he's just going to watch my weight and if I don't gain enough or if I gain too much, it signals that the babies kidneys aren't functioning right and then he may schedule another ultrasound but right now he doesn't suspect any problems.

My parents DirecTV still isn't running right so they are sending the tech back out on Wednesday between 1 and 5. Cassie has EHS that day so I might see if we can do EHS at my mom's place or if we can skip it this week. I am going to have to call the EHS lady tomorrow and work something out.

Still no word from Amadon. I hope Josie isn't having any problems. I am wishing them the best.

....STILL WAITING

I visited Josie and Amadon in the hospital around 5:30 pm. Josie still hadn't progressed much even with the pitocin so the doctor was going to give Josie a few more hours and if she still wasn't progressing the doctor was going to do a C-Section. Amadon said that by 9:00pm they should have a baby. He's going to call everyone when the baby is born. Regardless of her slow progression, if Josie hasn't had the baby within 24 hours after her water broke they planned a section anyway because of her strep.

STILL WAITING

I just called the hospital to see how Josie was doing. I talked to Sam and she said that Josie is comfortable and not in any pain. Josie got on the phone and said that she is dilated to about a two and that the doctor is thinking about putting her on some Pitocin to speed things up a little bit. Since her water broke at about 8:30 I was hoping she would be dilated farther than a two but oh well, we have been waiting so long for this little girl I guess she is going to make us all wait a bit longer. I let Josie know that I would stop by later after my doctors appointment and she said that would be great. I just hope the room isn't bombarded with people when I am there cause I don't want to crowd Josie. I expect Sam and April to be there though. I know that April is keeping an update on her blog too www.aprilsthoughts.blogspot.com so check there too for more info.

JOSIE'S WATER BROKE THIS MORNING

I just got off the phone with Amadon and Josie's water broke this morning so the baby is on it's way here, however it's probably going to take a little while. I am soooo excited! I have a doctors apointment today late in the afternoon and after my apointment I am going to run by the hospital and see how everything is going and to see if the the cute little baby has been born yet. I am can't wait!!

TRAVELING

Today my mom, I, and Cassie took my sister to Minot so she could meet some people that she works with at the Minot Airport. The other two people were coming in by plane and they are going to rent a car from the airport and then drive to a workshop in Williston for 3 days and then drive back to Minot and catch a plane back home to Minneapolis. Cassie slept the whole way to Minot. My mom dropped my sister and I off in front of Target cause I wanted to check on snow stuff for Cassie and my sister had a few things to get. My stayed in the car with Cassie while she slept. I didn't find a darn thing in Target that I liked so I am going to check out Lands End and see what they have. We got my sister to the airport with about 5 minutes to spare and the flight came in right on time. After we said all our good byes mom, Cassie, and I went to eat at the Rolling Pin and then we came right home. Cassie did pretty good the whole trip, of course we took along some of her new toys to entertain her too. Tomorrow I get to see my doctor for another OB visit and check out the results from the ultra sound and blood tests. I was supposed to have the visit last Thursday but I'm glad my doctor was gone that day because of the weather the night before. I still have to work on baby names. I ran all the names that I picked out to Darren and he said no to every one of them so I need to find some more.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASSIE

Saturday we celebrated Cassie's birthday and it was really fun. We did the Dora Explorer them with the cake, plates, napkins, party blowers. She didn't get a nap in but she did very well. A lot better than I had expected her to. She got a load of gifts, more gifts than what I get at Christmas! She got a lot of Dora things, two of the best Dora gifts that she got came from April & Kevin, and my sister. April and Kevin got her this really cool Dora the Explorer tent. From the size of the box ( which was like 18 X 26) it looked like it was going to be a small cute pop-up tent....instead it is this huge fort looking thing that is going to take up all the space in my living room but it is really cool. Only down side is that it takes forever to get back in the box. I think Darren and my sister worked for 20 minutes to get it folded down correctly so it would fit. My sister got her Dora's backpack which sings and says stuff when you press it's mouth. There was also a map, compass, telescope, and camera that came with it so Cassie can go on her own adventures. I didn't get any good pics but that's why we had April there! Well, no, not really. April and Kevin came cause they are Cassie's Godparents, but April got some amazing pics...better than what I could get anyway.

Birthday stuff 

Cassie tearing into her presents 

Cassie's Dora the Explorer cake.