BUSY ME

When I was in Devils Lake on Wednesday, I stopped at the Cenex station so that Cassidy could go to the bathroom. In the parking lot was the funniest thing I have ever seen on the side of a tractor trailer. It moved me so much that I actually dug the camera out of the diaper bag and took a picture of it. For those that cannot read it, it says, "Mean Gene's Burgers. The Burger That Say's Bite Me." I am still laughing.

I haven't done to much lately except for clean the house. I let it go for about 3 days because I concentrated on homework and I helped my mother with cookies one day. The girls can really tear a place up in a hurry. The house was starting to reach the super, ubber, mega embarrassment stage so I thought it was due.

I was checking out the Oprah website (I think Nate Berkus is hot) for cheap inexpensive ways to update living rooms/bedrooms for little or nothing. There was this bedroom that was very plain but really cool looking at the same time. All of the materials basically came from second hand and garage sales. Nate found a chandelier at a sale and hung it in a bedroom and it was sweet. I want to do that in my bedroom. I pretty much liked everything in Nate Berkus' rooms. Someday when I can afford it I am going to do some home interior...with Rainy's help of course. While I was on the Oprah site, there was stuff posted about a Debt Diet. I went through it and ran off about 30 pages worth of stuff. It basically details how to manage money, get shit paid off, how to handle debt collectors, how to manage your bills and still be able to put $200 away each pay check, and small things that a person can do to save $4,000 in a year. The site even had a calculator where you enter your income, bills, and extra expenses and it will automatically work out what should be spent on each bill in order to save the $200. It is really cool. There is also a a calculator for all the "extra" stuff a person picks up and give you tips on how to stop spending. I am going to go back over the stuff I printed off tonight and get started right away. It is really too bad that Darren did not read all of this before he took off. I think money is his biggest stress right now and if he was around to do this with me we would be doing pretty good, I think.

In two more days, it will the 2nd year anniversary of Tanya Broden's death. I cannot believe it has been 2 years already. Halloween will never be the same for me anymore since she was buried on that day. As silly as it sounds, I still miss her even though we didn't talk near as much as we used to in high school. People grow older, move away, start families...priorities change and friendships are lost in the wake. If I knew what I know now, I would have spent a lot more time with my friends and held them very closely. The time I spend with friends and family now definitely have more priority.

I am not sure if Darren is coming home this weekend or not. Darren said he wasn't sure and would come home if he felt like it. I wish we were getting long better than we are, but it seems that we cannot talk any longer than 10 minutes before he gets upset and storms off. It is sad, but I don't even know how to speak to my own husband anymore. I have moments when I think we have a wonderful shot of getting back together and then there are times, like Wednesday, that I think it really is over. It is getting really stressful and Cassidy has lately been asking where daddy is. I just keep telling her dad is working because I don't know what else to say. My homework has definately taken a blow from all of this and I may have to retake one class. I am hoping that I can pull it up and graduate in May like I wanted to.

A LOT OF DRIVING TODAY

Sorry about being absent from posting. I have been busy.

I went to Charile's funeral on Tuesday. It was very sad. I didn't think I would cry as much as I did. I got to know Charlie pretty good being Rainy's best friend for close to 20 years. It was almost like loosing a family member myself.

Today I had taken Darren's check to the bank. He was also out of money in Rolette so I had to run to Rolette after I was done in D.L. and take him some money. We had a nice little talk. I wish it would have been longer and we could have talked about things. He said that he might be coming home this weekend but he isn't sure. I am praying for the best.

Tonight the girls and I are spending the night at my mother's house. In the morning I am going to start baking some cookies for her and when she gets home we are going to bake even MORE cookies. We have finally reached the time of season were my mother starts her holiday baking otherwise she never will be able to keep up. I love this time because we get to eat a majority of the rejects. There goes my diet.

I hope you all are doing well out there.

HALLOWEEN HANGMAN

I got this game from my mother. It is super addicting and the skeleton is hilarious. I hope you all enjoy!!
http://dedge.com/flash/hangman/hangman.swf?a=300

SERVICES PLANNED

Charlie's funeral has been scheduled for Tuesday at 2 o'clock in Churchs Ferry. There is a viewing on Monday at the Gilbertson Funeral Home in Devils Lake but there is not a family service scheduled on Monday. The family does not want to go through two separate services, and I agree, just one is going to be VERY HARD on everyone. My mother is going to try to be home early on Tuesdays so that she can watch the girls for me while I go to the funeral. Rainy has taken two weeks off of work so I am hoping that we can get together and do something to try and help her ease the pain that she is going through. I cannot tell her that "I understand what she is going through," I have not had a mother or father pass away, but I am here to help support her and to listen if she just wants to talk.

SOME EXTREMELY SAD NEWS

Tomorrow morning, after the girls wake up, we are heading into Devils Lake so that I can watch D'Artagnan, Forrester, and Eris for Rainy when she goes to Gilbertson's Funeral Home with her mother and make the funeral arrangements for her father, Charlie.

Charlie fell and broke his hip a few weeks ago. He was sent to Altru Hospital in Grand Forks. The doctors decided to do a full hip replacement. Charlie flat lined during the surgery but they were able to bring him back. Since then, he had been sedated and on a ventilator because he could not breath on his own. Today, Rainy said that the doctors told her and her mother that her father suffered brain damage and would not be able to breath on his own without the respirator. Carol and Rainy knew that is not how Charlie would have wanted to live, so today they took him off of life support. Charlie passed away this morning. I know the decision must have been a terrible one to make. I cannot imagine what they are all going through right now and I give them all of my love at this very hard time. Jason is coming home. He is supposed to be boarding a plane tomorrow around 8:30 a.m. and Rainy was not sure of his arrival time when I spoke to her this evening.

R.I.P Charlie. You were a great man.

LONELY, MIDTERMS, AND CLEANING

I finally had time to get out and do some grocery shopping which was WAY overdue. I cleaned out all my cupboards, the freezers, and the fridge. I threw out all the really old stuff and a friend of mine came and picked up all the perishables that the girls and I didn't like or don't eat anymore. I was very happy to give her all that stuff. She really needed it for her family. It made me feel really good that I could help someone out like that, even though I do not have much to give myself. I could tell that the gesture of just giving her the food meant a lot to her.

I am REALLY starting to miss my husband. I want him to come home now. Things have really started to feel empty and unwhole. I miss the little things that once annoyed me and the things he would do that made me laugh. Things did get a little rough, but there's still a lot of love that I cannot bear to imagine throwing away. Thinking about everything and all the things we have done together makes me very said. I hate thinking about the time it will take to do the whole dating thing all over again before (or if) he moves back in. I wish there was an Easy button that I could push like they do in those commercials to help everything along, but unfortunately, this will take time and I will have to be patient with everything. I have thought about things that I have been doing that I could sacrifice and give up to make things work. The thinking has even gone as far being able to sell the horses if it came down to it. I am ready to do ANYTHING to make our marriage work out. I am hoping Darren calls sometime soon to let me know if he is coming home this weekend to see the girls. Hopefully we will have a little time to talk too. I know that he was supposed to start down in Mandaree sometime this week. If he is down there, I will not see him until it the job gets finished or if there is too much snow to do any work. I really want to see him once more before heading for this job.

I am working on finishing up midterms. I cannot believe that midterm is here already! Class work has been keeping me very busy along with housework. I have almost got everything put in proper places, got rid of the crap I really don't need and have not used in 3 years or more. I feel like I am going through a huge spring cleaning thing. I don't know why I have turned into a cleaning, cooking Susie Homemaker, but I have. I feel like I am "nesting." It's odd and a little spooky to think about.

HALLOWEEN PARTY AND A BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS

The Halloween party at Camp Grafton was fun. I had a really good time and I am thankful that Rainy and Jason asked me to go. I will have pictures of the party coming soon.

The day started out a little hectic. Rainy and I started to get ready around noon. The reason we started so early was because Rainy had to be out at the camp at 4 o'clock because she was bartending. I have to admit that there was quite a bit of dressing, redressing, rearranging, and many hair uplifts, drop downs, and scrunching before we decided we looked good enough to be seen. I we were not 100% thrilled about my hair so I put in an emergency text message to Tawny, who is a hair dresser at Performance In Hair, and she came over after work and really made my hair go well with my Vixen Pirate costume. After Rainy left for work, Amadon showed up at the house to pick up Forrester for Adele's birthday party at the farm. I only spoke to him very shortly but it was nice since I had not seen him in forever. Jason left shortly after Amadon and Forrester took off because he had to get back out to Camp Grafton and finish setting up and the band had to run a sound check. I watched Cassie, Jessie, D'Artagnan, and Eris. It was pretty easy because they all got along VERY well without any problems. I had all the kids in bed, except for D'Artagnan, before Rainy's mom showed up so she didn't have to worry about anyone. When I got to the camp it was around 8:30 - 9 o'clock. Jason's band was playing, Rainy was busting her ass at the bar, and there was a fair amount of people in attendance. I only knew about 5 people out of everyone that was there, but I was introduced to a lot of people. The camp people were really pleasant, very courteous, and just all-around amazing. I think it is because decent respecting manners are ground into them and I didn't have to worry about anyone being drunk and mauling me. It was a very comfortable place to be. I won 3rd place in the costume contest. Some guy in a toga got first place (go figure... some dude in a toga WOULD be the winner.) Tawny really kicked up the mood halfway into the night and got us in a situation that I still cannot figure out what exactly went on to get us there, all I know is that it was totally her fault. It literally forced me to get to know Grant, toga guy, a lot better. He is member of the Air Force and is from Ohio. He was at Camp Grafton for some type of classroom training. (Thanks a bunch Tawny. You and Ryan better prepare for payback!) Seriously thought, it was a great time and innocent fun was had by all. It was really nice to hang out with friends, and make some new ones, at this Halloween party. I stayed after the bar was closed to help Rainy and Jason get stuff cleaned up and packed away so we could all get home. By the time we got back to Rainy and Jason's that I was so tired I think I fell asleep instantly when I laid down.

Jason was supposed to board a plane at 5 a.m. that morning to go to a two-week training out-of-state. Needless to say we all slept in and he missed his 5 a.m. flight out of Devils Lake. He called his travel agent quickly and got his flight changed to a plane leaving Grand Forks. Rainy and Jason husseled the kids into clothing and they all took off and made a mad dash to Grand Forks to get Jason on his plane. He was fortunate enough to make this flight and then called Rainy later in the day during his layover in Minneapolis. I hung around with Rainy until about 1 o'clock. Then I had to leave her house and attend a family get-together for my grandma who is in The Good Samaritan senior center in Devils Lake. I hung out with the family until 3:30 and then I and the girls had to head off for home. Darren came to the house at 4 o'clock to see the girls and talk. I think he was upset after I told him what I expected from him when, and if, he decided to come back. He still had not thought about anything and was not open enough to tell me what was bothering him. I had brought up a few things about his moodieness and he got mad and said, "Fuck it. I don't want to be married anymore. At least not to you." I got him calmed down and told him if we cannot communicate we are only going to have even more problems. We have decided though to see a financial couselor to help us manage money better. Darren thinks that is where most of his stress is coming from. I told him to make the appointment and let me know when, where, and what I need to bring. I told him that we seriously need to work on a stable income for the home so that I can keep caught up on bills and warned him if we were going to keep fighting about the money he has to give me than I will file for TANF until we get stuff worked out. I told him that I am also seriously thinking about seeing a councelor about our relationship because he has said hurtful things to me while we have been seperated that makes me really wonder if he truely does love me or not. We have also agreed that if we decide to really work our marriage out, he cannot just move right back into the house and that going on dates and just hanging out with each other is going to be better for us first. So it is going to probably be well after Christmas, or even sometime into next year, before he is actually back in the house if we decide staying together is a good idea. I will have to see what my coucelor suggests too.

SHOPPING AND A PHONE CALL

Yesterday, my sister watched the girls so Rainy and I could go to Fargo/Grand Forks and do some thrift store shopping. We made it to Savers, where I found some cute clothing for the girls. I found a nice pair of cargo pants and two nice tops at Plato's Closet. We checked out Once Upon A Child and prices there were not that more cheaper than buying something new so we didn't pick up anything there. Our last stop in Fargo, after meeting up with Cole at Famous Dave's for lunch, was to Fantasy Costumes to get outfits for the Halloween party at Camp Grafton and then went back to Grand Forks. It was getting late when we got to Grand Forks so we just stopped at Victoria's Secret to get fitted and pick up some nice....well, everyone knows the kinds of things purchased at Victoria's Secret. Then we stopped to see Rainy's father at the hospital and we were on our way home. We had a lot of fun that day and we are definitely doing that again. Next time though, we are leaving much earlier so that we can hit all the stores we want to and be home sooner.

On the drive home, Darren called. Not two minutes into the phone call Darren said,"You already have a boyfriend don't you." That made me so upset that I hung up on him. Darren did call back. I told him that he made the decisions for things to be this way and I am going to hang out with my friends if they invite me to do something. He said he wasn't mad about it, just that I am doing it a lot more. He also said that he thinks he made a mistake and wants to work stuff out. I told him I would have to have a day or two to think about what I need from him to make the relationship work. He has said things that have hurt very bad. I worry about if it is possible to have the relationship that we had back after he said that he has not loved me for a long time. You cannot spend time away from someone you don't love and then magically wake up one day thinking you are totally in love with that person again. I don't want our family to fall apart, but I want to feel loved, to know that I am loved, have a great mental and physical connection to my partner, have my partner there for me 100% and will defend me in front of friends and family, to have him involved 50/50 with the children and everything else we do as a family, and have him want to be be with me and go out places together. I have a lot to think about. And why would you ask me about a boyfriend if you wanted to fix things? Are we going to spend the rest of our relationship saying stuff like that to each other? I think it is more complicated now that it ever was.

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY, CASSIDY!

Today was Cassie's 4th birthday. We celebrated with a princess themed party. The cake was a Barbie 12 Dancing Princesses cake with better creme frosting along with Disney princesses cups, plates, napkins, and party favors. There was a pretty good crowd. Darren came along with his parents and sister. My cousin and her daughter from St. John showed up. Jason and Rainy came with four of their five children and my brother and sister were also home for the party. Cassie got a lot of very cool gifts and loved playing with her friends. It was a fun day. Thank you to all who came and those who gave gifts before hand. Also, thank you to April, Kevin, Doug and Karissa for wishing Cassie a happy birthday! I cannot believe my first born is already 4!

The very yummy dancing princess marble cake with better creme frosting. It was so good that there was not one piece left after the birthday party!

A very excited birthday girl with her dancing princess cake.

Another shot of Cassie's cake along with the party favors that consisted of VERY loud noisemakers, bubbles, and lipgloss.

Cassie tearing into one of her presents. It just happend to be a set of seasonal socks that are really adorable.

Cassie checking out the princess wand and tiara set from her cousins.

Cassie having a good laugh with her cousin Maddison.

Jessie wearing the crown that was given to her from Aunty Missy. The crown also came with a really cute wand.

Jessie playing with the "Camp Grandma" baking set that Cassie got from Aunty Lynnette.

I AM SICK AND SOCIAL SERVICES SUCKED

Sphincter would have LOVED to sit in on this! Hahaha.....

I arrived 10 minutes ahead of my appointment time. I waited 20 minutes in the lobby area because the case worker was not ready for my case yet. Odd, because I did not see anyone enter or leave her office while I was waiting. When I finally get into her office she looks at me and does that wonderful under breath hhmmm sound and rolled her eyes. She flat out says, "This is really suspicious. It makes me wonder." Two weeks ago they closed my case because Darren was making too much money for us to qualify for anything, but now, here I am in her office because my husband had "conveniently" decided he wanted a separation. I was ready to fly off that chair and rip her head off. I must admit that I raised my voice a little (OK, maybe a lot) and told her he really did leave and I am not doing it just for the damn benefits through social services. I told her I would rather have my husband back instead of sitting there filing for all the stupid little programs that I need, otherwise I would really struggle without it. I told her to call everyone I knew, my parents, Darren's parent...anyone, and they would tell her that he left. Then, I trudged myself through the mud and had to explain everything to her so she "understood". Looking back, I shouldn't have been that hard on her. It wasn't her fault. If I was that worker I would have thought someone was trying to buffalo me too. I guess today was my day to finally just let loose on some innocent victim not related to what's going on. What I said must have worked though. Tomorrow (tonight at midnight actually) I will have money applied to my EBT card so I can by groceries and I should get a statement in the mail about whether or not we have qualified for Medicaid. I am sure we have.

My mother has the girls tonight so I can get the house cleaned and do some homework. I don't know how much I am actually going to get done because in the last 6 hours I have started to feel very crummy. I have a sore throat, I have a wicked headache, and I am going through patterns of being hot and really cold. Right now would be an awesome time to borrow Mr. Toast's new Vick's thermometer that he picked up. I feel like just putting things off until tomorrow. I may pick up around the house and then in the morning actually clean before the hubby gets to the house, and I am going to take some textbooks to bed with me just in case I hit a round of insomnia due to the cold.

A NEW BLOG, RECERT, AND FAMILY WOES

I am sure most of you have noticed the newbie that has stopped by and left a comment. I ran across Sphincter in Mr. Toast's blog. I have checked out the Sphincterhood blog and I highly recommend it. It brought a lot humor to my day and I am sure this is a person I would definitely hang out with...or at least in her library!

I have a recertification interview the social services today for my Medicaid and Food Stamps. The receptionist on the phone told me it was going to take 2 hours. Two fucking hours, are you kidding me? What are we going to discuss for two hours? My case worker probably had a list of questions for me that I cannot answer like the date my husband left, his phone number and new address, how much money is he giving me, does he care for the girls for any duration of time...etc. Even if I could answer them I don't know if I would really want to tell her. I only see the case worker see face-to-face once a year. Sorry, lady, but that does not boost you into bestfriend status so I would feel comfortable divulging all my personal information. I really hate social services sometimes too. You scurry to find all this personal info that they want just to find out that you are extremely poor, but yet, there is enough money within your couch cushion to make you too wealthy for their services. Dirt bags! Why do they make it so that people who really need the help get nothing, and the ones that screw around and have money coming in get everything? Damn dirt bags!

I ran into Darren's cousins' girlfriend at the grocery store yesterday. She said Darren spoke to Jeff a while ago, and Jeff told her that we were not doing very well at all. I filled her in and apologized for not visiting lately because of what was going on. She said that I am still welcome at their house. Jeff told her that he hoped the girls and I don't stop coming over if Darren and I do get a divorce because the three of us are still friends. That made me feel good but a little uncomfortable at the same time. I love Darren's family. They are a lot of fun to be around and they have all become close friends to me. I would still like to do things with them. However, since Darren is the blood relative, I cannot just show up at family functions and feel welcome anymore. I expect them to want Darren there opposed to me, and I accept that. I just wish I could still hang out with some of the Hanson/Solem family too....one more WONDERFUL thing to worry about.

I hope that everyone has a very blessed day. I shall fill you all in after my appointment. Cheers and have a beer!!!

HOW THINGS ARE

Darren called Monday and told me he is coming down on Saturday so we can talk about things. He didn't go into detail over the phone and I didn't expect him to. I have been waiting until he has been ready to do things. I am hoping it goes well. On the phone, he also told me about how he thought we should split his paycheck so we both have money. I agreed that what he had come up with was a very good idea. I had previously told him that if we couldn't come up with something that I would have to go through TANF and get child support through Social Services. I won't have to do that now they way Darren worked it out. The talk of the money situation kind of has me wondering though if news this weekend will be bad or good.

Rainy came out on Sunday to help me clean my house. I appreciated it. However, she did jump me because the hangers in my closet did not match and I had plastic hangers mixed with wire ones. I thought she was nuts. However this is coming from the woman who's hangers are all the same, her cloths are sorted by every day clothing, work clothing, and dressy clothing and they are ordered by color! She obsesses too much about the clothing nobody will see but Jason. Next time I am at her house I am going upstairs and I am randomly removing clothing from her closet and I do not care in what order I put it back!!

I have seriously fallen behind in homework. It has been extremely hard to focus because of what has been going on. I constantly worry about him not ever returning and what I and the girls are going to do without him. Darren has been the center part of my life, along with our girls, and I cannot imagine moving forward in the future without him. I still love him and I have missed him so much these last few weeks. I do not want anyone else and I just want him to come home. My mother offered to take the girls on Friday night so that I can get homework done and caught up. This should help me out a lot. Darren and I would be able to talk and stuff too if my mom has the girls Saturday morning. After we are finished talking we can go pick up the girls together at my mother's house and Darren can spend time with them before he goes back to his parents house.

I have been getting ready for Cassie's 4th birthday party. It is Disney Princess's themed. You all are invited to Cassidy's birthday party. It is Sunday, October 7th at 2 o'clock in the afternoon at my mother's house. I know this is really short notice for most of you so I won't be offended if you don't make it. It should be fun. I have a little money left over from paying for hay, a few medical bills, and my Internet so I am going to get into town one of these days and buy her something. It won't be much, or very elaborate, but I would feel crappy if mommy could not even afford one gift for her daughters birthday. I haven't decided what I am going to buy her yet. I know that Rainy bought her a gift from Wal-Mart that Cassidy picked out so I know Cassidy is going to get one of the items that she really wants.....(thank you, Rainy!)..... Oh, and Missy, I wanted to know if you could find the Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses DVD for me in Bismarck? If you cannot, I will ask my sister to find it in Minneapolis somewhere.

I need to run, I have WIC at 10:30 and then I need to come home, cleanup, and get as much homework done as I can. I just thought I would give everyone an update on what is going on.