A LOT OF THINKING

I have started to think about the new baby and how everything is going to change dramatically and I am getting really scared. I am totally freaked out actually.

I don't feel like I am a good mother or as good of a mother that I could be for Cassidy. I try not to spank her everytime she gets into something because I want her to be able to experience things. I want her to learn through her curiosity, but I feel like I am failing there because some people think I am just letting her take control, she's becoming a spoiled brat because of it, and I should spank her every time she gets into something.

Cassie loves animals. I do have to admit though that she's too affectionate with the cat. Sometimes when she tries to hug the cat she will smother it instead and when she tries to pick the cat up and carry her around sometimes she lifts the cat by the neck but the cat is tolerant and when I tell Cassie to put Scrappy down, she does. My parents have an old cat that it grumpy and will hide under things from Cassie and Cassie will try to pet, kiss, hug, ect...the cat and it drives my dad crazy and he yells at Cassie to stop messing with the cat and doesn't want Cassie to touch his cat PERIOD.

When I take her places and she wants to do something else when I am trying to do something I let her throw her tantrums no matter how long they last and I keep doing my thing instead of spanking her right then-and-there. I am hoping that by doing this Cassie will learn that even if she throws a temper, it's not going to get her anywhere but I must be wrong because people think I should do it differently.

Then there is the whole sharing toys bit. It's really hard to get Cassie to play well. When I tell her to give a toy back or to stop what she is doing and be nice, she usually listens but there are sometimes that I have to grab her and give a toy back to someone. But this is all part of the growing up thing right?!?!

There are many many other things too like what I feed her, when I feed her, where I feed her that are judged too that had killed my confidence in thinking that I could care for a child but I obviously can't and it's going to get worse because she's just going to get older and then there will be more activities and then school too.

How can I take care of another baby when I can't take care of my toddler? It will only be worse because now instead of doing all these things with Cassie I have to still do all these things and then take care of the needs of a baby that needs 24/7 care and feedings every 2 hours. Everything I try to do to make myself feel like a good parent is wrong in someone else's eyes. It's hard to feel confident in anything when you are constantly being compared to how someone else does things.

I hate how people just assume that because I am a stay ate home mom things are easy for me. They aren't. It's difficult, one of the hardest things I have done was becoming a parent and with two it's going to get a lot worse. It's hard enough trying to keep a clean house, keep the laundry done even when I can't do it at my own house, make sure the dishes are all washed, bathrooms cleaned, toys put away, doctor appointments for me and Cassie and the baby, cook 3 meals a day, make sure that Cassie gets her nap in on schedule, groceries are bought, shopping at Wal-Mart is done, kids are bathed, I'm bathed....the list goes forever and I do it ALL BY MYSELF. I don't have any help. My husband comes home on the weekend to relax and mow the yard.

I really don't think I can do this anymore...becoming a parent for the second time...I thought I could, but I can't. I don't have a lot of physical attachment yet to the soon-to-be baby, I don't even have a name yet, and it scares me that I won't be attached to this one like I was Cassie. With Cassie, I had an attachment right after I heard the heartbeat for the first time. And because of the lack of attachment I have even gone as far as thinking about talking to Darren about adopting the child out to one of the grandparents or someone that we know.

Moving also worries me a bit. With my mom close by, it's easier when something happens cause she is always there for me. She listens, gives me advice, and helps me out when I need it. If I move, I won't have that luxury anymore and right now I feel that I need that more than ever with a new baby on the way and a terrible toddler.

I am probably just freaking out and I will feel this way until after the baby is born then I will feel differently about everything and I will be more confident again about the whole mother thing. Maybe....