IT IS TIME YOU KNEW

I am in a relationship and it is complicated.

Two weeks ago Darren came home Friday night, the eve of our 6yr anniversary, and told me that he didn't love me anymore. He said that he had been falling out of love with me for a while and didn't know how to tell me. He explained how he likes who he is when he is working during the week. He's happy, having fun, he and co-workers go to the bar after work and have even more fun there, but when he has to come home he gets depressed and upset. He said he didn't even like to think of coming home. This was devastating news since I didn't even know there was a problem in our relationship. He never let on that he was having a change of heart and he never spoke about anything that bothered him. I asked him about seeking counseling, but he said no and said that counseling wouldn't help. He told me that he wants to keep most of it out of court and doesn't want us to become bitter and upset with each other like most divorcing couples do. He wants to have the girls on the weekends that he is not working, and when he was talking about the stuff he wanted from the house it was only a few items and said that I could just have everything else. At the time, he wasn't 100% sure if he needed a divorce or just a separation so at this time we are separated. He doesn't come home on the weekends. He has called and spoken to Cassidy once, and he called me Wednesday when I was with Rainy and Jason and the call made me feel terrible.

I have been upset, mad, angry, sad, and very depressed. Sometimes all five at once. Billy Jo and all my other friends made me feel wonderful on Saturday of last week and that did wonders for my spirit until Wednesday of this week. After the phone call Rainy and I made the decision to go out and watch Jason during his dart game. Thank God for Rainy, Jason, and Tawny because they really picked my spirit up off the floor that night without realizing it. I am okay right now, but it is really a moment by moment thing right now and there are good moments along with some really bad ones. I hate to think of Darren walking away when I still love him so much and giving up all the years with him.

So now I am in this situation where I need to figure out what I need to do with my life and how to take care of the girls the best that I possibly can. I am focusing on the girls happiness, if my girls are happy and well taken care of then I am happy. They are my life and I am so glad that I have them. I need to seek and do things that make me happy as well. It is time for me to have fun too. Also, I am only 6 months from graduation so I do not want to quit college at any cost. I am determined to finish because now I am going to need those 3 degrees more than ever. I have also even been thinking about applying for a job. I searched Job Service online the other day and the Devils Lake Altru Clinic is looking for a transcriptionist right now and pay starts between 11.50 and 14 an hour. If they can give me 12.50 or 13, I would be making enough to be able to put the girls in daycare and drive to work and afford the gas. I am not totally sure how that will work out though because I still need to make time for homework and that may be tough will a full-time job.

But there you all go. Here is the low down of what has been going on. This is my situation and it is complicated.

SATURDAY, OH WHAT A NIGHT

I have needed a break from my current home life status so Billy Jo and I made plans to go to the bar on Saturday for a few drinks. Her husband was going to watch all the kids at their house since the kids would be sleeping by the time Billy and I left the house. Well, as the day progressed, it went from just Billy Jo and I to us, Bethany, then Vinny decided that he wanted to come with us and he found a babysitter, and then after Vinny decided to come along I made a phone call to our friend Tyler who is always up for hitting the bar. We had a GREAT time socializing, playing pool and darts, and just having fun. Billy's brother Tony was also at the bar when we got there along with a couple other friends of ours. Many drunk pictures were taken that actually turned out pretty well. This kept my mind off of things and helped me feel really good for the first time in about a week. I still had to answer an awkward question or two from people that had not seen me in a while but the night was wonderful. I have some of the best friends in the world. Growing up in Churchs Ferry in the 90's was one of the best times of my life and it was great to have some the "Ferry" friends around Saturday night. I don't think I will EVER have friends like the ones I made when I was 13. I love them all so much.

Billy Jo, I, and Bethany after a game of darts. I don't know why we try to play against Billy. She always kicks our butts.

Tyler Bjerke and I.

Me and Bethany. We definately are "NOT" drunk. HA!

Tyler, Billy Jo, and Bethany. I like this pic because they all look great.

Billy Jo's brother Tony and Tyler Bjerke messing around!

Billy Jo and her husband Vinny. Are they not the most adorable couple?

Vinny and Chris trying to bring sexy back. I love how they each are sporting a purse.

Our last round of Chuck Norris shots before leaving the bar at 2:00 a.m.

THE WEEKEND

It has been super rough around here for a little while. I am going to spare everyone the details, but the weekend went well.

Saturday was our 6 year anniversary. We were invited up to Willow City by Darren's parents that day. It had been a very long time since we had been up there and we needed to see them. Darren's parents cooked two whole chickens on the grill, Aunty Missy made homemade whipped cream for the apple crisp that, at first, had the consistancy of butter but was actually very good when it thawed to room temperature. Before supper, the girls helped Aunty missy and grandma and grandpa pick apples off of their apple tree in the back yard. I would have taken pictures but I forgot about my camera being in the diaper bag until a half hour before we left so I only got pictures of the girls using the tire swing in the front of the house shortly before we left for home. Bummer! Aunty Missy and Grandma got pictures of the girls picking apples though that I think are going to be really cute. If I get those pictures I will have to post them. That evening I went to Maddock with Billy Jo and her husband Vinny while Darren stayed home with the girls. The street dance itself was a bit boring but I had fun with Billy and Vinny.

I was going to post more pics but Blogger is acting weird and I cannot seem to get any more pics posted then the ones below. I will keep trying to add the other pics later.

One very happy little Jessie

Cassie giving Aunty Missy a push on the tire swing

Jessie with her Aunty Missy

A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING

Hmmm....

There isn't too much new going on, but I feel that I need to update since it has been a while. The new water heater is wonderful. I finally bought a new shower curtain to replace the nasty stained old one caked in rust. I stopped by Joseph's Closet again just to snoop. I found a Columbia jacket for Cassie that was only $7 and Cassied picked out the cuties white and pink sweater that came with a hat for $3. I am still cheesed about the price of the jacket.

I have spent a lot of time with Billy Jo. She and I went out to the bar on Saturday night and ran into her brother and his girlfriend and Tyler Bjerke, a friend from Churchs Ferry that I have not seen in a very long time. We had an awesome time. I got tore up pretty badly. Some of the details are hazey, but I am positive it was a great time.

I got my refund check from the college. Now I can pay back my mother for the water heater and get some pills paid off and some caught up. It is nice to know that we are almost out of debt. In 5 years I would like to own a house or a new modular home here on this property where we live. It's a stretch, but with few bills and both of us working, we may be able to do it.

It's our six year anniversary on Saturday. I cannot believe that Darren and I have been married that long!! I think we are going up to his parents to spend the day. Other than that, we do not have anything planned. Billy Jo and Vinny celebrate their 3 year anniversary 3 days after ours, so Darren and I want to go out with them. Nothing elaborate. Probably just to Earl's Bar in Leeds, but who knows where the 4 of us could wind up.

I need to loose weight bad. I talked to my sister and we have been doing Weight Watchers together. Basically, she told me where to start out with points, she sent me a link for a food counter online so I know how much I am eating, and I have been doing TaeBo during the day and walking the dog in the evening. I do not notice any weight loss right now, but I am not stepping on the scale either. I am going by weather I can fit into my old pants or not. HAHAHA! No, seriously, I know what I have started out at so I am not going to weigh myself until the beginning of next week and see how much I have lost in 1 week. Hopefully by Christmas I will look like what I did when Darren and I first started dating.

No clue why the pic got so dark. I took it on the same chair, same lighting, and same camera setting as the jacket pic. I thought this sweater was really cute. I am glad that Cassie picked it out and wanted to have it. She looks soooo cute in it. She even likes to wear the hat with it.

Very nice if I say so myself. She does fit into it right now and there is extra room so she should be able to wear it for a couple of years. When she grows out of it, hopefully Jessie will be ready to fit into it.

UPDATE

Darren got the new water heater going properly on Sunday. I must say that the new water heater is wonderful. I didn't realize all the sand that was in the old water heater from the well before we got rural water. Before, I could only wash dishes OR run the washing machine and we would be out of water. A person had to wait at least 15 minutes between showers if the second person wanted a luke-warm shower. Now I can do 3 loads of laundry, the dishes, give the girls their bath, and I still had warm water for my shower. What a difference. I have to give Darren props too. The new heater is bigger than the old one so it was a tight fit to get it sitting where the old one was. After many curse words, and only throwing a few things around, he got it in place.

It has been a very low key week since my parents left for Dunblane in Canada. They are in search for my fathers' grandmother's unmarked grave along with the grave of one of great-grandmother's daughters. Great-grandmother passed away giving birth to the child that is buried next to her. Oh, wait...I just got an email, and they are home now. Sweet! I cannot wait to talk to them!

The work with the palomino has been progressing. He leads very well and I have him used to the saddle now too. He will stand, lead, and hangout in the corral while wearing my saddle. He has not attempted to rub it off or roll over on it yet either. He can still be a little shit when he wants to be, but the guy isn't even two yet so it isn't all bad. I have to give him credit though because during all of his training so far he has not bucked once or even showed a sign that he may buck. I think the rest of his training is going to go pretty easy.

I have to run to Devils Lake and do grocery shopping and get the necessities at Wal-Mart. I may ask my mom if she wants to come with so I can get it done. Either that or I find someone to watch the girls for me.

Well, Jessie is up from her nap and I am going to my parents to hear about their trip. Later Y'all!

WE SHOULD BE DEAD, OR AT LEAST HOMELESS

This morning I was getting ready to wash dishes from breakfast but I was not getting hot water out of the faucet. Since Jessie can climb into the tub and reach faucet knobs, I assumed she turned the water on in one of the bathrooms. I went to check the bathrooms. Nothing was turned on. I told Darren and he went to look over the water heater. What he found was amazing. There were black burn marks on the top of the water heater and along one of the side were a heating element was. Some how the water heater got hot enough that it should have started the closet walls on fire, but it didn't. We should have woken up last night in the midst of a house fire and everything that we owned should have been gone. After today, I really believe in a higher power and I positive that God was looking out for us. I called my mother and she gave me her Sears card so that Darren and I could run to town and get a new water heater while she watched the girls at her house. Currently, we have the new water heater in the house and most of everything installed, however, Darren did not pick up all the pieces he needed to finish connecting the water heater. Tomorrow he is going to have to run back to Devils Lake and get all the pieces that he needs. My mom let me wash the girls at her house and they are spending the night there until tomorrow.