IT IS TIME YOU KNEW
I am in a relationship and it is complicated.
Two weeks ago Darren came home Friday night, the eve of our 6yr anniversary, and told me that he didn't love me anymore. He said that he had been falling out of love with me for a while and didn't know how to tell me. He explained how he likes who he is when he is working during the week. He's happy, having fun, he and co-workers go to the bar after work and have even more fun there, but when he has to come home he gets depressed and upset. He said he didn't even like to think of coming home. This was devastating news since I didn't even know there was a problem in our relationship. He never let on that he was having a change of heart and he never spoke about anything that bothered him. I asked him about seeking counseling, but he said no and said that counseling wouldn't help. He told me that he wants to keep most of it out of court and doesn't want us to become bitter and upset with each other like most divorcing couples do. He wants to have the girls on the weekends that he is not working, and when he was talking about the stuff he wanted from the house it was only a few items and said that I could just have everything else. At the time, he wasn't 100% sure if he needed a divorce or just a separation so at this time we are separated. He doesn't come home on the weekends. He has called and spoken to Cassidy once, and he called me Wednesday when I was with Rainy and Jason and the call made me feel terrible.
I have been upset, mad, angry, sad, and very depressed. Sometimes all five at once. Billy Jo and all my other friends made me feel wonderful on Saturday of last week and that did wonders for my spirit until Wednesday of this week. After the phone call Rainy and I made the decision to go out and watch Jason during his dart game. Thank God for Rainy, Jason, and Tawny because they really picked my spirit up off the floor that night without realizing it. I am okay right now, but it is really a moment by moment thing right now and there are good moments along with some really bad ones. I hate to think of Darren walking away when I still love him so much and giving up all the years with him.
So now I am in this situation where I need to figure out what I need to do with my life and how to take care of the girls the best that I possibly can. I am focusing on the girls happiness, if my girls are happy and well taken care of then I am happy. They are my life and I am so glad that I have them. I need to seek and do things that make me happy as well. It is time for me to have fun too. Also, I am only 6 months from graduation so I do not want to quit college at any cost. I am determined to finish because now I am going to need those 3 degrees more than ever. I have also even been thinking about applying for a job. I searched Job Service online the other day and the Devils Lake Altru Clinic is looking for a transcriptionist right now and pay starts between 11.50 and 14 an hour. If they can give me 12.50 or 13, I would be making enough to be able to put the girls in daycare and drive to work and afford the gas. I am not totally sure how that will work out though because I still need to make time for homework and that may be tough will a full-time job.
But there you all go. Here is the low down of what has been going on. This is my situation and it is complicated.
Two weeks ago Darren came home Friday night, the eve of our 6yr anniversary, and told me that he didn't love me anymore. He said that he had been falling out of love with me for a while and didn't know how to tell me. He explained how he likes who he is when he is working during the week. He's happy, having fun, he and co-workers go to the bar after work and have even more fun there, but when he has to come home he gets depressed and upset. He said he didn't even like to think of coming home. This was devastating news since I didn't even know there was a problem in our relationship. He never let on that he was having a change of heart and he never spoke about anything that bothered him. I asked him about seeking counseling, but he said no and said that counseling wouldn't help. He told me that he wants to keep most of it out of court and doesn't want us to become bitter and upset with each other like most divorcing couples do. He wants to have the girls on the weekends that he is not working, and when he was talking about the stuff he wanted from the house it was only a few items and said that I could just have everything else. At the time, he wasn't 100% sure if he needed a divorce or just a separation so at this time we are separated. He doesn't come home on the weekends. He has called and spoken to Cassidy once, and he called me Wednesday when I was with Rainy and Jason and the call made me feel terrible.
I have been upset, mad, angry, sad, and very depressed. Sometimes all five at once. Billy Jo and all my other friends made me feel wonderful on Saturday of last week and that did wonders for my spirit until Wednesday of this week. After the phone call Rainy and I made the decision to go out and watch Jason during his dart game. Thank God for Rainy, Jason, and Tawny because they really picked my spirit up off the floor that night without realizing it. I am okay right now, but it is really a moment by moment thing right now and there are good moments along with some really bad ones. I hate to think of Darren walking away when I still love him so much and giving up all the years with him.
So now I am in this situation where I need to figure out what I need to do with my life and how to take care of the girls the best that I possibly can. I am focusing on the girls happiness, if my girls are happy and well taken care of then I am happy. They are my life and I am so glad that I have them. I need to seek and do things that make me happy as well. It is time for me to have fun too. Also, I am only 6 months from graduation so I do not want to quit college at any cost. I am determined to finish because now I am going to need those 3 degrees more than ever. I have also even been thinking about applying for a job. I searched Job Service online the other day and the Devils Lake Altru Clinic is looking for a transcriptionist right now and pay starts between 11.50 and 14 an hour. If they can give me 12.50 or 13, I would be making enough to be able to put the girls in daycare and drive to work and afford the gas. I am not totally sure how that will work out though because I still need to make time for homework and that may be tough will a full-time job.
But there you all go. Here is the low down of what has been going on. This is my situation and it is complicated.
posted by Janelle @ 10:10 AM
6 Comments:
At September 28, 2007 at 12:27 PM,
Josie, group organizer said…
I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you must be feeling and to have him refuse counseling as well. I wish you both the best and I hope everything works out the way it was meant too. I'm happy to hear that you have great friends that are helping you get your mind off the situation. I'm sure this must be one of the most painful things ever,especially with the added part of being as SAHM, trying to find affordable daycare, and suddenly having all that support gone. But I want you to know that both Amadon and I are here for you. As I'm sure everyone else including April and Kevin, Rainy and Jason, Billy Jo, and lot's of other people are. You have a lot of friends who love you dearly. Even if we don't get together much, I want you to know that we are here. I'll have to bring you out to comedy night. And one more thing. Don't you ever even start to think any negative thing about yourself. You are beautiful just the way you are. You don't need to lose any weight or change anything about yourself or your personality. You're a beautiful person all around and don't let this situation make you feel otherwise. You will come out of this stronger than before, it will hurt but it was also get better no matter what the outcome, and you are and always will be a wonderful mother, woman, wife, and friend. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I know we don't always hang out or talk all the time, and I think we'll have to change that. This relationship does not define you. You did not fail in any area. Sometimes things don't work out no matter how much effort you put into them but it is not your fault and hold your head high and let your friends take you out, cheer you up, and call you. And don't hesitate to ask for what you trully need.
At September 28, 2007 at 1:55 PM,
Karissa (mommy) said…
I agree with Josie.
Also, I just wanted to let you know that if you ever have a bug to come hang out in GF let me know. I'm home every day watching Aiden (Isabella goes to headstart now), so feel free to bring the girls down if you need to get away. It'd be fun to get the girls together to play sometime. Just let me know.
At September 28, 2007 at 4:24 PM,
Josie, group organizer said…
Would it be possible to enroll the girls in head start or early head start? That would save you a TON in daycare expenses but I know the waiting list is long. Just a thought, might be helpful even if you choose not to go back to work to just have a day or two yourself to sift through things.
At September 28, 2007 at 6:34 PM,
Janelle said…
Yeah, I have looked into Head Start. That is what I would like to have Cassidy and Jessie in if I worked in D.L. But right now the waiting list has over 35 people waiting to get in. I am still looking into some things.
At September 28, 2007 at 10:00 PM,
tlawwife said…
I am so sorry to hear your news. You will be in my prayers.
At September 29, 2007 at 2:59 PM,
BoneDaddy said…
We had to wait over a year to get Isabella into Headstart, it was a pain.
Feel free to let us know if you need anything.
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